Don't Say
by Girl With The Dandelion
Summary: "Why now? Why run to me now?" Because holding it all in takes effort. Katniss and Peeta after the war in District 12.


Life is hard. Moving on is hard. Breathing is _hard. _These are things I have been aware of my entire life. The difficulties they present are all troubles I am accustomed to. But now, they present an even greater challenge. Where I have always been alone, I now have somebody to share the burden with. The problem is he is as damaged as I am.

Peeta and I have a very tenuous relationship at the moment. It is one built on mutual need, a shoulder to cry on; but the old aspects of whatever romantic relationship we ever possessed has disappeared. I can't decide if I am okay with that.

We've only just managed to shake away the last bit of reporters. We're hoping this will allow our lives some time to begin settling down. During these rare quiet moments, I am left all alone in an empty house with nothing and no one to distract me from my thoughts. Nothing at all. These are the darkest times. These are the moments that make me miss the version of Peeta I had grown used to. The Peeta that was always there for me; with me. The Peeta that was never taken away from me and broken and then sloppily put back together, missing vital pieces and irreparable.

My front door bangs open and I jolt on the floor. I was sitting against the wall, my knees tucked up to my chest. I swiped at my cheeks, brushing away tears I hadn't known had fallen. Someone is clamoring up the stairs and when the door to my bedroom opens, I see Peeta. His hair is disheveled, his face red with what looks like anger. His fists are clenched and I am terrified. He's having a flashback, a moment where he is gone in his own world.

"Katniss," he whispers, and then he crumples to the floor. For just a second I am stunned. Peeta is in my house, on the floor passed out. Then instincts take over. I press my hand against his chest, making sure his heart is beating strong. After a few moments of this, I attempt to lift him onto the bed but the fact of the matter is Peeta is too much for me to pick up. Instead, I take my pillow and place it under his head. I drape the blanket over him and then sit beside him, pushing the hair over his forehead aside. In his sleep I see the Peeta that I used to know. It reassures me that that version of Peeta can still be found inside somewhere buried underneath the horrors and tragedies of our past; or at least fragments of him.

He moves beneath my fingertips and soon enough his blue eyes are staring up at the ceiling. It feels as though an hour or two passes, neither of us saying a word. Peeta breaks the silence first. His voice is raw and his words come out harsh and cold.

"Always. It's such a relative word. I'll always be here. I can always hear you. You are my . It's a word people use and throw away as if it means nothing. Always. I hate it. It's a lie. You won't always be here. You can't always hear me. And you are not my always."

I flinch at his words. He's right though. I lied countless times to him. I lied about the thing that mattered most to Peeta. I lied about love. I lied about always. "I didn't know what that word meant Peeta. I didn't know."

He is still lying on the floor, his head still in my hands. And even though the urge is strong, I do not run.

"It wasn't a flashback this time. It was a nightmare."

"Why run to me because of a nightmare?" I instantly regret saying that. He used to hold me through my nightmares; how could I not do the same for him? I hadn't meant for it sound the way it did. "I mean, why now? Why run to me…now?"

"Because it wasn't real," he answered, his voice dull and void of emotion.

His answer caused me to let go, to move backwards and put distance between the two of us. His answer frightened me.

"You ran because your nightmare wasn't real," I ask, my voice cracking. Although I don't word my opinion out loud, I can't help but wonder how far away Peeta really is, if he desires his nightmares to become reality.

"You and I were married and we had children. The sky was blue and the mockingjays were singing to us. And you turned to me and our family and smiled and began to sing. Everything was perfect. And then I woke up."

I feel hollow inside. The image he has conjured in my mind stirs a longing I thought I had lost forever. "That sounds like a dream."

"A dream that is too good to be true is a nightmare. I woke up and I was just so angry because it wasn't real, it could never be real. I ran to you because I didn't know where else to go."

"Peeta…"

"No Katniss. Everything. Everything we had was a lie. It was all for the cameras. Living through it once was hard enough, but having to rediscover a life of longed for lies can break a man."

I clutched my arms around me and tried to hold it in. I wanted to hold all of it in. Everything I wanted to say but never could, and everything I needed to say but never had the strength to. "Katniss?"

Peeta was looking at me, concern laced in his voice. "Katniss you're shaking."

Trying to hold it all in takes effort. "I know."

"Peeta I need to say something, and if I don't say it now, I never will. It was my fault. All of it. Everything. My fault." He was shaking his head.

"No, it wasn't. If anything it was mine. How could I expect you to fall in love with me when you were working so hard to save our lives? I should have known. Even after I found out, I could have stopped playing along. I didn't have to fabricate a life with you. It's my fault too. I should have stopped. But I just kept hoping. My hope for us was stronger than my fear of losing. I should have known."

"Peeta, I love you."

Anger over came him once again. "Stop lying Katniss! God, can't this all just be over? I am so sick and tired of being lied to!"

"I love you. I love you. I love you. There's not a camera in sight. There's not a single reason for me to lie. It hurts how much I love you. But I do. I love you."

My back was against the wall and his fingers tangled in my hair as his lips pressed against mine. My mind was racing with everything and nothing all at once. How was this happening? I felt his arms move down my back and encircle my waist. My hands flitted up this chest and just as I felt myself losing all sense of thought, he pushed away. I was breathing heavily and I could feel my lips swell.

"We can't do this. We can't. I can't. It's too much too soon."

What? _What?_ He was saying this as if I had just kissed him instead of it being the other way around. Now I was mad.

"You don't just kiss me like that and then stop and expect me to be okay with it!"

"Well you can't just say you love me and expect me to be okay with it!"

I threw my hands in the air. "What do you want me to say to that? I can't not tell you anymore. I can't not tell myself. I literally cannot hold anything else back. I just can't do it. It's exhausting."

Peeta was silent for a few minutes. "What have you been holding back?"

My nerve had started to cool down and I was hesitant to say anymore. "Don't do that Katniss. Don't shut down now. I need you. I need you tell me the truth."

"I love you Peeta." I turned and looked at the floor, unable to look him in the eye. "And to some degree, I think I always knew. Somewhere in the back of my mind you were always there. Always."

Peeta backed up a little. "Please. Don't use that word." I notice his hands at his sides, clenched tightly into fists; so tightly his knuckles are turning white.

"Somewhere in my mind, somewhere in the darkness I knew. Even when it was Gale, it was you. I couldn't devote myself to anyone whole heartedly because I always thought about you. When I was in the arena, I thought about you. When we were home, I thought about you. The victory tour. The Quarter Quell. District 13. Now. You. You. You."

He was shaking his head and backing away. "No Katniss. No. That's not true. You hated me," his voice is so quiet, so deathly quiet. This is not Peeta Mellark. This is the Capitol talking.

"Peeta please. Believe me. You have to believe me. I can't lie to you anymore. See? I'm shaking too. I can't hold it in either."

And it's true, I was still shaking though whether from my feelings or from his sudden temper change was hard to tell. He was unmoving now, his gaze blank as it stared behind me into the wall.

"Katniss I need to leave. Now. Before I get worse."

I was already shaking my head before he even finished. "No. I'm done running. And I'm done hiding. If you're going to have an episode have it right here. But I'm not leaving you."

He looked at me, a look of patronization on his face. "And I'm not hurting you."

"It'll hurt me more if you leave. You want honesty, you got it. I'm an open book right now. Take it while you can."

"Not like this. Not with me on the edge. Not with you trying to comfort me."

"Dammit Peeta! I'm not trying to comfort you! I'm trying to finally be honest with you and you're ruining it right now! Just accept it. Neither of us is leaving the other and you're going to have to accept the fact that I love you and there is nothing you can do about it."

"Why now," he echoed my question from earlier. "Why run to me now?"

My poor broken Peeta. The damage that I have done to him is unthinkable. For him to believe it impossible that I love him is enough to make me want to do unspeakable things to those that have destroyed his mind. But I promised him honesty. "I've always been running to you. I just never knew it until now." He took a step closer. Perhaps finally, I was getting through to him.

"Always again. Why is it always always?"

"Because it's you and me Peeta. Always. We've been fighting for each other…always."

"Has it really been that long?" I can only nod.

He takes another step closer and I can't help but take his hand in my own.

"Don't say it if you don't mean it," he whispers as he kisses my neck.

"I love you always."

**Author's Note:** Alrighty, so I've had this sitting unfinished forever now omg. It's just a simple after the war Everlark fic so I hope you liked it and I apologize for my rusty writing but it has been awhile.

Also, a good song to listen to while you read this is **Don't Say** by St. Lola in the Fields.


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